Transformers 3: The Dark of the Moon (2011)

Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
Rating: **

Give a boy some action figures, some toy planes and a Lego set and he can spend the whole afternoon in his room. In his imagination, his heroes fly, kick ass and a lot of things blow up—if you put your ear to the door, you are likely to hear him making flying and shooting noises. Eventually, when he is bored and has exhausted his energy, he goes to sleep.

It’s easy to imagine Michael Bay as that boy. And while he had imagination on his side, beside the novelty of cars becoming robots inTransformers (2007), he now only has more toys to play with, more fireworks to unleash and a lot more Lego cities to demolish. So, if you’re going to watch Transformers 3 for the pyrotechnics show, for the state-of-the-art CGI or just Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s legs, go ahead. If you’re looking for cinema, try the next screen.

Even after a disastrous second instalment, the trailer for Transformers 3 looked promising. The idea that America landed Apollo 11 on the moon to investigate alien activity seemed like the sort of story concept that could resurrect the franchise. Alas, that’s just the first 10 minutes of the film, before it degenerates into the metal bashing that has come to define the toy fantasy.

Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is a man without a job, yet with a hot new girlfriend, Carly (Huntington-Whiteley), who looks out of his league. Of course, she is more Bay’s fantasy than Sam’s, present in every second frame because the film needs her perfect derriere and legs. She must have had one instruction from the director: “Keep pouting, look sexy.” Meanwhile, the autobots, led by the monster truck Optimus Prime retrieve another Prime autobot from the moon, fire it up, only to have it betray them. The bad bots want to teleport their entire planet to earth and make slaves of humans. The good bots want to save earth. Thereafter, it’s a high-graphics videogame.

The graphics, however, are worth a mention. One particular scene, where Sam’s car transforms mid-air with him inside and then transforms back before it lands, pulling him back in, is visually stunning. The Imax 3D, inspite of the slightly darker pictures, work well overall.

The film is marred mostly by clichés and inane dialogues. It keeps you wincing with phrases like “weapons of mass destruction from outer space” and “class dismissed”. The pointless fighting and destruction goes on forever and a CGI post-apocalyptic wasteland with an alien spaceship hovering above looks suspiciously inspired by HG Wells’The War of the Worlds. By the end of the ridiculously long final battle, you feel as bored as the kid with the toys. Now if only my car could transform and get me out of here quickly.

- Sarit Ray

01 Jul, 2011

This review was originally written for gqindia.com (Click here to see...)